Never wait for parking again! Just print out the included image of a universal handicapped parking permit, hang it on your rear view mirror, and watch the stares of envy. We’ve done all the work. All you have to do is fill in your state and desired expiration date!

You could also go the more expensive route (insurance usually pays, so who cares?) and get a doctor’s office to write a letter certifying you as crippled and indigent. There, a bunion becomes a useless foot, overeating becomes obese paralysis, and depression becomes a chronic mobility disease like Munchausen Syndrome.

If your sickness provider refuses to grant you your particular disability, then he would be minus a continuous flow of cash money from your health insurance company. However, this is a rarity with no precedent and should give you little worry. There are no losers in the quest for disabilities, or rather, the best free parking spots.

Remember that handicap spaces are extra wide, so you can park your GM Hummer or Land Rover and offload your outlandishly sized stepmother or yourself with ease. If you can’t make the step down from a high SUV, then roar your Corvette up to the blue crosshatched space and make it easy on those old arthritic bones.

An added benefit of the handicap tag is getting escorted to the front of the movie theatre line and extra attentiveness to your ‘needs’ at restaurants. Take your handicap tag with you after parking and hang it around your neck to make sure everyone knows you have a disability.

Still another value about being certified as handicapped is that if any person working at a positive net income business offends you, or a public bathroom sink somewhere is not two feet off the floor, you can drag them into lawsuit court and get thousands of dollars, often millions, for their troubling you.